What your not dead??

Since my life has been nothing less than a roller coaster this past year I tend to forget that my friends may be going through things as well. Not all necessarily bad things either. I have been there when they ask but otherwise I have been absent from all aspects of life minus work. Tonight I am going out with an old friend. We have been through thick and thin together. He is in a real relationship so I know he doesn't have much time. I guess I am finally snapping out of it since I am actually going out. Usually I just make something up so I can sit home in front of my computer and TV. It feels nice to be excited about going out. Nothing crazy our crazy times are on 4 wheelers and shooting guns. Usually he is the one I turn to him when I need to go on a drinking bender. I am not fearful of hearing about his awesome relationship...things are looking up!!

QOD: "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everyhwere."
---Tim McGraw

You've got mail

Most of us girls have seen this movie and I am willing to bet most of us can recite most of the lines in it. Therefore most of us understand the title of this and have the general meaning of this post before even reading on. What I have now is something that I have never had but deep down been longing for. Of course it all starts out there is this boy...

No, I didn't meet him in a chat room, I don't think they even exist anymore. I have known him for about a year now. For lack of creativity we will call him Joe (for those of you who do not get it Joe Fox is Tom Hanks character in You've got mail). Joe use to work out at the Y then got a job there. For awhile I didn't think much of him since I assumed that he was just a HUGE meathead and an arrogant jackhole. He is very good looking, like the type that everyone notices. I made nice and just like anyone else in the Y I flirt with everyone... member satisfaction. We started talk then it went a few steps further. The innocent flirting turned to blatant flirting. Then I was hit with a huge surprise... he had a girl friend and she was not very happy with me. Not that I can blame her but she threatened me and my job. I didn't talk to him again that was till recently.

I know he tried to talk to me numerous time but really he lied. I don't dig liars. Plus my job and reputation were compromised. He moved recently all the way to the west coast. I was feeling nice and included him in my email to everyone around Thanksgiving to say happy holidays. He emailed back and we have been exchanging emails since.

I knew he wasn't stupid almost a year ago but I still just assumed he was just another pretty face in the crowd. Just a typical pretty boy. I assumed he had no story, no lot in life. Like last year proves I was wrong. Our emails keep getting longer. More personal. Just more in general. It dawned on me last week that I am checking my email a million times a day hoping for one email. I've got mail. If you would have told me six months ago I would hope every day to talk to Joe I would have laughed in your face.

He does have a story. He understands that life isn't easy and there are things in life that are nothing more than lessons. Now he lives on the west coast... go figure. He wants ME, Mous to come out there for a visit and I bet if I asked he would come here for a visit too. I am not a pretty face in the crowd. I am just average and I thrive on average. I do not know what I am thinking about all of this but I know I am thinking a lot about it. He told me I write well... no one has ever pointed that out to me. Well at least no one has pointed it out so quickly. He told me I should write a book... my one true dream.

Now I wait for my little gmail icon to open telling me I have mail...


Quote of the day:
What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you.
- You've got mail

Neglect

This year has been long tough and never ending. I am glad it is done and happy to have my life moving forward once again.

WARNING!! This entry will read like a diary so please do not hold it against me.

David and I broke up months ago and though I knew it would be hard but I did not think for a minute that it would be this hard. The years I'll never get back and for the most part I am OK with that. I am still not OK with losing my best friend. There were lots of bad time and the one thing I got from it is how close I want to be with someone. I'll never get back his family or our friends. I am definitely a winner at a losing game. In the long run I am better off but I can't lie and say it hasn't been life changing and that I think about my choice daily but the one thing I know is forever would have been long and bitter.

The Y... AHHH relief!! I got another promotion. I am back to the beginning... aquatics director. It will be the death of me but I am happy with it!! :)

I started... I will finish

A problem with Liberals...

Sarah Palin's note

Share

Today at 10:30pm

Sarah Palin just put a note out about the unjust treatment of Carrie Prejean. Please read it http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1288165211#/note.php?note_id=81681133434&ref=nf

This person decided that calling her a cunt for voicing her stance was an acceptable response. I was disgusted by this and decided to act. Here is my response.

Justin Woolworth
Justin Woolworth at 10:04pm May 13
cunt

To:
Justin Woolworth
Subject:
Who do you think you are?

Have you ever met Sarah Palin? Do you know her on a personal level? She is a mother. A woman. It is her job to speak on behalf of her political party as an elected official. You are berating her for doing her job, is this correct? Under no condition is it acceptable to call a woman a cunt.

It is your right as an American to speak your mind but your left wing counter parts are trying to take that right away from you. Are you aware of this? Are you aware that you just degraded a woman because of her political stance with no other reasoning? You couldn't even make an educated statement on the controversy. The president of this country doesn't even support gay marriage. Are you out using racial epithets against him on his parties heinous blogs? Or is it OK for him to have a political stance because it is the same as yours? Way to prove what true ignorance is. You are the problem in this country. Next time you have an opinion back it up with an educated statement or keep it to your self.

The response:

Liberal Ignorant Prick:
You can only get pissed at me if you have not ever called someone you don't like a bad name, which is highly unlikely. Please shut the fuck I personally I hate the woman and this whole ordeal. I can only hope she reads that and it hurts her feelings.

Me
Today at 10:40pm
How can you hate someone you do not know? Commenting on a subject with ignorance shows nothing. The only thing you did was proving the point that liberals are ignorant and uneducated. You could have said something worth listening to, you could have made a point. Instead you take the the low road and say something completely offensive. I have NEVER insulted a person a personal level whom I have never met. You prove their points wrong you do not attack them. It shows weakness and a lack of character.

even more from him:
Justin Woolworth

Today at 10:43pm

I can easily hate you, dyke.

95, thats all I have is 95?

Last week we had our wellness evaluations at work. We are doing this program at work that shows our body's "true" age. I was super pumped when I was told my body is 18. That is almost 9 years younger then I am. I ROCK!

I am a competitor by nature and need someone to compete with to fulfill my highest goals. I had to pick someone who was in as good of shape as I am and is also a competitor. I picked good old MP. We have been talking and both are similar with workout habits.

He has 355pts and I only have 95!!!! I am killing everyone in my branch by more than 50 and he has 355!!! I am soo screwed!

I want a Luke

26 almost 27 yrs and I figured it out, I want a Luke.

If you do not know who Luke Danes is I highly recommend watching Gilmore Girls. Through it all I have watched and have watched over and over again. It is by far my favorite show. I understand when Lorelei says "say something". I empathize with her tears and the "The Way We Were" analogy about the relationship. I want a Luke.

I want a man who you can see the desire in their eyes. I want someone who loves you so much that they would pass up their dream house for your uttermost happiness. I want to be so blinded by love that you don't know he is there but know that I do not want them to marry anyone with absolutely no explanation behind it. Further more that they wouldn't marry just because I said no.

I want a Luke. I need a Luke. I need someone who get my quirks and knows nothing will change them. I need someone who I can't live with out and can't live without me. It will take searching but at least I know now where to start.

I know that I have started on the right track again. No more with this "but I'll hurt him" crap. I read a lot of books and I see a little in each hero what I desire for but even the height of perfections of Mr. Darcy, Zack Zematis, Edward Cullen, Jake Templeton and Davey Dempsey no shows more of what I want/ need as Luke Danes.

Luke is witty, compassionate, and caring. Also pigheaded and independent. I love the fact he will tell anyone what is wrong and how to correct it. He backs down from no one. I need to have someone who is not afraid to tell me where to shove it and to shut up, though I may not listen.

My quote of the day needs an explanation so before the lengthy quote let me explain something about me. I have been told many time I remind people of Lorelei or Rory. I only wish it was because I looked like them, but sadly I do not. I do talk like them. I reference a lot of things and talk really fast. I have done this as long as I can remember and have only been watching GG since 2003. This quote is a typical Mous move. Lorelei has called Luke after they broke up and this is the message she leaves him.

I want a Luke, period! I hope you will sick around and watch me drowned in my attempts :) I look forward to it!

Quote of the day:

Lorelai: Hey, Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and… I was just wondering if, do you remember in 'The Way We Were', how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh… Could - please come over. I - please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please. Come – Oh, my God.

Tears of the past

Maybe it was just a stress breaking moment. Maybe it was just tears of the past that needed to be shed. Maybe it was my body's way of getting out the crap feeling in my gut.

Maybe it was the calm before the storm.

Has anyone else felt like this?

It is like my life is an endless EKG with good rhythm. I feel like a freak. I want my EKG to read like cardiac arrest! One moment the shit is hitting the fan then it calms down for a moment, I spend the next few moments trying to calm down but inside I am waiting for the shoe to drop again. I think this is a result from internalizing every aspect of my life. I need to start to verbalize my thoughts. Probably a deep seeded reason I started this blog yet I am still not comfortable with specifics. AHHHH Maybe I just need to wait for a thunderstorm in the pouring rain to scream into!

Quote of the moment: Screaming is bad for the voice but good for the heart - Conor Oberst

Then they came

I didn't think I had to. I thought I was almost OK. I thought I was stronger then this. Once again I was wrong.

I vented. I lifted till I could lift no more. I got it all out. It shouldn't have happened. I have more control.

I was in the shower and then all of a sudden my face was wet, it was dripping. It wasn't bath water but tears. Then the inevitable shaking. The pep talk we give our selves to know it is just one hurdle. I want to think it was just a moment of a break down. I have a feeling I am wrong.

Quote of the day: Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you cant take anymore. - Savage Garden

Patiently waiting

I sit here on my trusty lappy waiting.

Waiting for what? Waiting for this crap feeling to go past. Waiting for things to start. Basically just waiting.

I know I haven't been myself since my adventure to see Mc C over a month ago. I know I am not heart broken I know that I will be fine but this crap feeling is getting old.

I want to smile and mean it. I want something besides work to take my mind away. Is it sad that I am about to crack open New Moon and just start reading? I feel now that Bella understands.

Quote of the day: I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn’t remember how I’d managed it before.
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 5, p.123

Write Write Write RIGHT

Write Write Write Write, Stop thing and write dammit

Bad week really bad week

Maybe if I start typing it will all come to me

Head games hard work no sleep too much booze. No crying only writing. No thinking just write dammit.

Talked with David not good. Good for me bad for him. No call, no text no nothing. Damn I am stupid. I am thinking in fragments maybe tomorrow it will look up.

7:00 Meatheads

As we just learned my hobby is lifting and working out in general. For those of you who work out you have your "time". Every person at the gym who has made it a habit has a time. You know the people lifting with you, you know the girl on the elliptical with the Cosmo, you know the old man who lifts on the lowest setting but you give him credit for his attempts. Since I work at the gym I pretty much know everyone no matter the time. The one thing I noticed throughout the years is after 7 the free weight room becomes scary boy club.

At 7 you start to hear the F bomb every other minute. It sounds like you are in a barn yard with all the grunting. The 7:00 meatheads have taken over the room. I am fortunate enough to know that they are big babies, but big none the less. No other time of the day do you hear are you hitting that 90lb dumbbell? No other time is a weight belt and wrist straps a required article of clothing. No other time am I fearful of being in the weight room. I see why women think its boys only.

I can talk the talk and play the game but I still feel like an idiot down there.

Since I am a workaholic I do not have a time, I just make time as it becomes available but I always make the time before 7. The meatheads throwing the 45 plates around scare me. I have no need to talk football with the guys squatting four of me in between sets. I have no need for one of the huge neanderthals staring at my lack of rear while doing bent over rows.

I do not grunt nor do I throw weights so I do not get to be in the 7:00 meathead club.

Quote of the day:

You've dedicated your entire life to building up your body through hard work, pain, hunger and desire. Every single day requires sacrifice. This is our world brothers... This is hardcore livin'. Welcome.

Clinging beings

As a female and a cynical one at that I have observed many women and the one thing I have noticed with all of us (this goes for us who are not "one of them" or "not like other girls" too). We are clingers.

No I am not talking about the chicks who hang and drool all over men. I am talking about our innate ability to hang on to the words of others. We find our selves living up to what we have been told. Pathetic isn't it. We find the underlining meaning behind words, whether it be our bosses, friends or lovers, and we hold on to it.

Think about it girls, we have all done it repeatedly. Even if we had the wrong meaning behind it all along, we can't drop it. The older I get I realize that we don't hold grudges we hold truths. Truths that may have never been but truths to us none the less. I think all of us has that one relationship we are holding onto that in all reality we never had. We have had conversations with our bosses that we leave the meeting confused because three months ago they told us the opposite of the instructions we have just been given and of course we won't bring that conversation because then we are freaks that can't forget. Then there is that dreaded person we can not even see the sight of because they them selves drove the proverbial knife in our back. Chances are this dreaded person was a hypocrite in a conversation or situation that we are clinging too. We females are clingers!!

No quote today just a question: What are you clinging to that you can not let go? What statement won't leave your dome?

Bad days end with my DVR... PATHETIC

I did not have a good day. We all have them, right? Some not as bad as others and none ever as good as the best days of our lives. Some bad days are made by fights with friends and family. Some are made by high expectations that are never fulfilled. Most are just made by a over all bad day, which usually is bad weather with a large work load and a lack of relaxation. I have known today was going to be a bad one since the thunder waking me at 4 am when I had to be at work by 10.

Nothing made this day horrible till I found out I erased the wrong thing off my DVR. I so wanted to spend tonight catching up on Grey's BUT NOOOOO I had to watch an episode on abc.com which ruined my couch time.

The worse thing to do to someone who is a tad ADD and put them on a computer. So I blog. At least it is harder to be ADD when blogging. What a long blog it is, eh?

Quote of the day: "You know its a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better" - Unknown

It must be a girl thing

I never thought I was one of them but as it turns out I am. I hate being wrong!! I said it. I Mous am always right and on the freak case I am not right I will beat myself up about it!

This does not apply to everyday things. Try to follow me on this. When it comes to facts, sports, work, I have no problem being wrong. When it comes to people I am usually dead on but on the freak and I mean FREAK chance I am wrong and pass the wrong judgment down on someone I feel absolutely horrid.

I loathe people who find it OK to judge people but we all do it. It is human nature to pass a first impression. Most of us stick to them. I know I usually do. USUALLY I am right. At least I am a big enough person to know that some of us are deeper than we let others on to. Look at me. If most of my friends knew I was a blogger it would be over for me. It is just not who I am or at least what I let people see. I let people see the girl who is one of the boys. The girl who is cold and hard. None of this is true to who I am.

Quote of the day: Judge a man by his question rather than his answers - Voltaire

Cream of wheat and the Monster

The first thing I have to say is I hate oatmeal I think it is disgusting. Working out as much as I do requires me to take in a large amount of protein so my muscles rebuild faster. Most people drink protein shakes... they are worse than oatmeal. Others eat a lot of fish and other protein enriched foods such as oatmeal. I just eat a lot. I try to eat as much protein as I can but I stay away from oatmeal... YUCK... I try to eat Cream Of Wheat every morning to compensate some since it is a yummy alternative to the dreaded tasteless oatmeal. When I was settling down with the beloved COW this morning I realized how odd the smell was. Hmmm though the strawberries and cream flavor makes my tummy happy it kind of smells like vomit. I think that is odd, I wont eat oatmeal because it is tasteless and gross but I will devourer at least one bowl of COW a day and it smells like upchuck....

While I was preparing the COW this morning and starting in on my first course of breakfast my yogurt when I realized I understand people who aren't dog people. My monster would not shut up. I looked at him and tried to explain to him that I would feed him in a brief moment. It of course didn't work and I had to stop eating because my DOG wanted to eat. boooo

I have not talk about monster at all so now let me explain my OCD pup. For the past five years I have lived on his schedule because if I do not subside to his ways all hell breaks out. He is 130lbs of neurotic dog, hence monster. The first vet he went to said he may hit 70lbs. HA The man should be shot. See I got monster when he was found in a dumpster at the Y I was working at south of nowhere. He was a little beat up and in a box with 3 other puppies. Yea Yea poor baby, people are aholes, blah blah blah. I was voted to take him because he was in the worse shape and I am the animal freak with a BS in bio so I could nurse him to health and we could find him a home. That was not what monster had in mind. He entwined himself in my life and became my buddy. He is my best friend and I do love him dearly but his OCD ways drive me crazy.

First off he talks. NO, not barks, talks. It is these little yaps that sound like he is trying to construct a sentence and he does it whenever he has something to say. I guess that's what you get for talking to a dog all the time. If it is bed time he talks and his bed time is 10. I do not know where he got 10 but about 3 years ago he decided on it now it is the law according to monster. By 10:30 if we are not in bed, which we never are, he sits in front of the TV talking and bouncing. Now as you can assume seeing past a 130lb dog is impossible. I have learned that if I at least retire to my bedroom by 10:15 I get a leeway of a hour before the lights must be out. For some odd reason we are not in the bedroom by 10:30 all his toys have to come out. Then if that isn't bad enough he jumps onto my mothers bed and rips all the covers off the bed then it becomes a mad dash around the house throwing everything he can find around, yes my dog is throwing a temper tantrum. If I do not have lights out in my room by 11:30 he does this all in my room too. He is so spoiled that he has a huge box of toys in every room. I will be posting more of his issues as time goes on.

Instead of a quote I will leave you all with a pic of the monster him self...
The first one is him playing in the snow and the second one is him in a penguin blanket... yea he lets me make him look like a fool!

YMCA antics and a turning point in thought

WOW what a day. We just got a new operating system last week and it is great, that is if you know how to work a computer. For me and a few other staff it is a delight but having to work with over grown babies who hate change and never worked with a mouse it is a NIGHTMARE. I was blessed with the promotion which deals with helping everyone become acclimated with this system. I am about to blow up the server at this point. After one week of dealing with every one's incessant whining and the impervious backlash I decided a night of hitting the hooch was inevitable. Word of wisdom if you have a hangover and anxiety issues getting wasted is not the answer. Today every staff member decided to come and stand in my space. They were all asking the same stupid questions and reaching over me. I could feel the vomit rising from the pits of my stomach and over heating by the moment now it was just time to control the intensity of the the anxiety attack which was already started. The part that was upsetting me was I was suppose to be doing the deposit and everyone knew it. It is kind of an important task. WHY CANT PEOPLE LET YOU WORK!!! Our dear 80yr old desk worker was in the middle of a windows induced breakdown, she just doesn't get it. I guess she is just happy that she doesn't have to worry about that damn bubonic plague any more :)
... Damn this is going to be a long post....
Anyways! So when all the panic was setting in one of my least favorite directors from another branch "happens" to come in. I really wish he had the same distaste for me as I do him. I guess I really do not dislike him he is just wet behind the ears and I do not do well with people who only know half of what they think they do. Since he is close to my age, ok closer to 21's than mine but compared to most of our staff that is closer to death than 50 I guess we do fall in the same bracket. I of course throw all my anger, panic, sickness, and over all pissyness right at him. BANG right in his face and I didn't even let up. This I do frequently with him, we shall call him MP. I have hung up on him, yelled at him, called him every name in the book. I figured hey it has worked thus far. The kid has to think I am the biggest whoha ever! Our new director, 2 short, happens to play ball with this lad and though he like to bust my balls about him knowing my distaste for MP's attitude I figured that that was all it was, ball busting. 2 short decides to fill me in today, YEP looks like little mous here is on the fast track to the front page of the YMCA's gossip page!

He points out that though he refers to him as my bf indeed MP wants to work towards that! 2 short tells me to look at it from the outside. MP drove 40 min to go to lunch with 2 short who he plays ball with every Wednesday night. MP call the branch when we all have emails plus he has 2 shorts cell phone number. He knows about my promotion and it is not like my promotion was in a mass email. I guess at lunch MP was talking with 2 short about how to move thing with a certain someone outside of a work relationship. He never said whom he was talking about but 2 short was positive it was me. He said every time they are together my named gets dropped and brought up more than anything including sports stats.

Here is the punch line of this whole giant joke of a day... before all of this was brought to my attention I shot off an email to MP apologizing for my actions and saying I wasn't feeling well and just was not up for any guff today. You think 2 short could have given me a heads up about all of this before hand? So it looks like being evil has no effect on males and that one should really look at a situation from the outside in. Especially when dealing with a person that is young and incapable of adult interaction. Its not like I have ever done the *junior high thing where normal adult interaction has been lost. HA I guess maybe I should start to give MP a break because I have been there.

When I started on this tangent I was unsympathetic towards good old MP but getting it out has helped me look at his side. Pretty much my day just sucked and I should be thankful that someone out there may have a crush on me. Maybe we as people shouldn't judge so harshly on someones actions maybe they are just doing a dance to get our attention.

*Adam has since left the Y and I have become normal again with normal adult interaction on a regular basis.

Quote of the day: I do not believe in intuition. When you get sudden flashes of perception, it is just the brain working faster than usual. But you have been getting ready to know it for a long time, when it comes, you feel you have known it always. - Katherine Ann Porter

Getting the anger out through weights

As I have already stated I work at the Y. I am a work out FREAK!! I know that idea make some sick but it has been my thing for 12 + years. It is the way I let it all go. Though I work where I lift it becomes my own world. It is wonderful. Everyone has a vice and this is mine. Every few years I change my regiment completely. Though for all of you who work out know that you should change every 6-8 weeks you also know after 2 or 3 rotations you routine varies little. I just redid my regiment completely. I am in love with what I have changed to. For the last year maybe more I have been on a leg kick with little work on the upper body minus definition. I was all about lower body strength. Now I am on an all over strength kick. I do not want to be cut or defined I want to be strong. I already know as girls go I am pretty fricking strong, but I want more. Here is my current workout... I think it rocks!

Tris, chest and shoulders

• Kick backs, increasing5lbs per set for three sets 12, 10, 8 reps
• Pull downs on the cable pull increasing 10lbs per set, 12, 10, 8 reps
• Skull crushers 25lbs 3 set of 10 reps
• Shoulder pull ups on cables, increasing 10lbs 3 set 12, 10, 8 reps
• Cross chest cables one arm at a time, 20lbs 3 sets 12, 10, 8 reps
• Lat raises 12lbs 3 sets of 10
• Front raises 12lbs 3 sets of 10
• Incline flies increasing 5lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Dumbbell chest press increasing 5lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• 24lb weight bar squats 20 reps 3 sets
  
• Running on treadmill for 30 min or till fatigue

Back and Bis

• Hammer curls increasing 5lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Bicep curls on cables increasing 10lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Back extensions on stability ball with 12 lb dumbbell 3 sets of 10
• Reverse Flies 12lb dumbbells 3 sets of 10
• Leg raises 3 sets of 20 (I know this is abs but I rarely do abs and it helps for lower back strength)
  
• Lat pull downs increasing 5lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• 24lb weight bar squats 20 reps 3 sets
  
• Running on treadmill for 30 min or Fatigue
  

Legs ( I know my leg workout is weak but I am recovering from knee injury)

• Incline squats increasing 10lbs for the first two set 4 sets 12, 12, 10 8 reps
• Calf raises increasing 10lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Leg curls increasing 10lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Seated leg press increasing 10lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Leg extensions increasing 10lbs per set 3 sets 12, 10 8 reps
• Running on a treadmill till fatigue, I would never make it 30 min on leg days

This is not the order I go in I do legs twice a week every third day, typically. I have one day typically Mondays I only run because I coach soccer and after dealing with 13 three year olds I am not up to dealing with the 10-15 babies in the free weight room. I tend to bust their ball and they give it right back and after all those kids I just run till fatigue. At this point on Mondays I am dying so I tend to keep it a light day.

As you also see I do low weight squats everyday. I am desperately trying to grow an ass. This is my last attempt so it also effects my leg days as you can imagine.

Workout words I live by:
The world is divided into the have and have nots. The have nots make excuses to skip training - the weather, a flat tire. When they are in the gym, they talk endlessly, take too many trips to the water foutian. They worry about their hair. The have nots train so they can get a piece. The haves? Its all about the iron. They approach lifting like a job. Do it right the first time, don't screw around, and never cut corners.
Time is wasting. Your set is up. Which side are you? This is your choice.

Country songs, Crying and Driving

Once upon a New Years eve I vowed to myself that I would keep up with friends that have since been a dusty memory in my head. What that means when sobriety kicks in is that I miss my friends... some more than others. One in particular is Mc C ( for lack of better naming). Him and I dated briefly when I lived south of nowhere. He forever changed me and the person I am now is not who I would have been if not for him. I have never looked at men the same since he left. No have I ever been that drunk as the last night I saw him. He is why I don't drink and cry in the same night. I truly liked him. I do not know what stuck him in my head and why he has been a tattooed memory since. We have stayed in contact through the years. Finally I went to see him.

We have had many conversations about me visiting and what it would be like. In my late twenties what better time would there be. Its not like there is anything there. WRONG. NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO FLIPPING WRONG!! Before I went we talked on the phone for the first time in 4+ years. He said bring high expectations. DUMMY!! I listened. I don't know why I listened to him. I drove the two hours after a 10 hour shift with knots in my stomach. I saw him and that was that. It all came flooding back. It was like a bad dream. The heart ache, the happiness, the nervousness. It all was there. I should have turned out the door and left. No, I came in and sat down. STUPID STUPID STUPID! Think god could have sent me a sign to leave, even if it is for my hearts sake. HECK NO! Worse thing ever happened we picked up where we left off, not missing a beat. High expectations. Damn him!!!

After a case of Busch Light, yep I am a hillbilly wannabe, I call out the elephant in the room. Thank you god! If handing me a loaded gun aka my mouth wasn't bad enough lets add cheap beer and no sleep. I ask him what is going on. What was all this. Why can't we be adults and let things happen as they may? He agrees. There was a lot more convo that I wont bore you nor do I really want to relive all of it. I end up sleeping in his bed. He kept telling me how I was making his heart pound and it was, I only know this because I was rubbing his chest. That's as far as it went.

I got up in the morning and left. On the way home I only listened to country and died a little bit. I was fine though. My head wouldn't stop or start it was just there reliving certain moments of the previous night. I couldn't wrap my head around anything or even put together a full thought strand. On the way home I decided to go to the gym and run it off. Great idea. I think I was gods joke of the day. I ran and ran. I ran 10 miles that day. I think my coworkers thought I was going to die on that treadmill. After I finally figured out I should stop, since the most I usually run is five miles and that's on a great day, I got in my car and started home for real this time. I passed my turn. I kept going with my faithful ipod on shuffle on the country playlist.

About 45 min past when I should have been home they started. The tears. I drove and cried for an added 3 hours and half of tank of gas. I was lonely, lost, broken. Twice, he has made me feel this way twice. I get it in Hitch when they talk about wanting to feel that broken and because that means there is something to be broke. Once I got home I just laid in bed. If I ate sweets I would have had a date with B&J but instead I layed with my monster, alone. I never signed on my computer or ate I just died for the night.

When I finally got on the pute in the AM before work I had quite a few emails for him wanting to know where I was. He was IMing me offline too. I shut the lappy and went on my way. When I got home I saw he had called my house and then I jumped online and messaged telling him I was home and my interweb was down. He told me how worried he was and that he was going to call my work in a few hours if I hadn't replied. Well poop what do I do???

I die a bit more when I don't talk to him for a week but I still don't know where I stand. It has been three weeks and I still talk to him regularly. I just do not know. I do know Dave never makes me feel this way and I only like Mc C, I have never loved him. I think it may be I just don't like Dave. This is where I stand and when I fear I may fall if I do not figure things out soon. I think I need to be in like, maybe being in love is not all there is to life long happiness. Feedback is wanted, even if you are just strolling by.

Quote about the adventure: People say he's only in my head
It's Gonna take time but I'll forget - Garth Brooks
(its suppose to be she)

I am back!

I know I have been out of the bloggin loop for sometime not that I was in for that long... DAMN JOB! I am trying to catch up on the gossip I have been out on. I realized that though I have been hitting the gym 5-6 times a week a girl still needs to let it all out sometimes. I was attempting to return last week but I had a rough run with my shoulder routine and couldn't even lift my arms on Friday so once again my beloved, boring blog had been put off. Here is a list of things I need to blog about and will get to at some point this week... probably making me blog many times a day... I HOPE!!!
1. My dying relationship with David
2. My killer work out that I have finally perfected to bad I only get it for six weeks till I beat my self up to perfect the next round.
3. My dumbness trying to visit an old flame/ friend for the weekend... this one is one that I need out of my system ASAP!! Also what is leading to #1
4. WGMG we will save that for Wednesday
5. A boy we will call ink

I think that should some up a lot of what has been going on in my drive by life. Not to mention the day to day debacles at work.

First thing first lets get one thing out in the open... what is it that I do. I am a coordinator at a YMCA. My job description is three pages basically I am the Y that I work at answer to any question. When I lived south of nowhere I was an Aquatics director other wise in the past twelve years I have pretty much done or seen it all within the YMCA. It is crazy and hectic but I love it. I am not just happy to have a job I am happy to be back in a life I am comfortable in. As I said I left the Y for a while and just returned a few months ago which is why it has been hard for me to get a set schedule and get back on track but I am back now with added energy and sarcasm... Hope that the ride is worth it!

Quote of the day: Albert Camus: The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself

Convo to think about

Though I have been absent I have not been so in my head. My thoughts have been running wild has been true to my work schedule. Though I choose to stay anonymous there are things I should put out there. When I started this blog I was new to my job... kind of. I have worked for the organization I am currently with for 12 years now I am just going back after a two year hiatus. I went back as entry level so I could return to school, I guess four years wasn't enough for me! I have quickly became promoted and have had the oddest schedule one could think of. I may be able to go tick for tack with surgery interns at Seattle Grace. I have promised myself I will return and now I am trying to make a comeback though I have since lost my followers :(

My friend 21 and I had a conversation tonight that makes me think a little about how I feel. I call her 21 since that is the age she just turned, she is like a little sis to me and not to sell her short a close friend. She is a mere babe but I hope to be passing on to her all that I have witnessed and learned. There are things I wish to tell her that I wish someone could have guided me on! We have all been there. I aspire to give her hope where all mine was lost. In this task I have found that she help me too. Then again that is how all great things work, eh?

In this convo we discussed two great things, 1 a heart break. Not one where your love but worse you lose a friend. One where you have to put your eggs in their common sence and the second in my relationship and the adult way I am now looking at things. Big things. Not the little do I love you but the big in 20 year will I still want you or worse want to be around you. I never want to be in a situation where I think "Is this what I worked for" "Is this what I wanted" ?

Mous: 21... how is it

21: i feel like im old]

21: i cried todfay..

Mous: no why

21: my friend jon... like my brother.... picture you and douglas... and douglas being engaged... and his chick telluing you that"i hope hat me not liking you affects your relationship with jon"

21: i was livid

21: im a friened... not the girl trying to get with a guy

Mous: been there explained that

Mous: so dont worry about laugh when they dont work in the end and you are his shoulder to cry on

21: lol i guess so

Mous: or better when she sees the error of her ways and doesnt know how to handle him and comes to you

21: but then agian i look and its sort of pathetic

Mous: its ok we all get to be pathetic it come with the extra chromosome

21: idk... i just dont see why girls are like that

Mous: its who they are and if they were different what would make us different

Mous: we live on the idea we are not them

21: i guess so

Mous: what if you and I had to make our selves stand out?

Mous: that mean make an effort

21: lol i see what you mean

Mous: we get awsome lives with awesome friends the only flaw is we lose sometimes

Mous: but we get different rules

Mous: we get take backs no one else does

21: exactly

Mous: I loathe them but I wouldnt give it up for one moment to be them
Mous: they make us cry... TRUE but think of how much we probably made them
Mous: F*** cameron diaz in my best friends wedding

Mous: I like the petstal

Mous: you can have the arms

21: idk... i just lol

Mous: think of how pathic someone is to tell someone they know they dont like them

Here is the other half which is how I sum up how I am feeling about Dave and I. It is the little things.

21: i dont like the big thing

Mous: nor do i

21: i just see the big reception as a must... not so much the wedding

Mous: i see i kegger steve sees all his 300 friends 250 of which i cant stand in formals

21: lol

Mous: i see 200 of everyone in jeans and tee shirts

21: id rather see the people that matter

Mous: i just want to live in the country, have a simple life

21: its easier

Mous: he is just never going to fit

Mous: he wants big and riches

21: i can see that

21: like youre... you... and then theres dave

Mous: I want small and comfortable

Mous: i like old trucks

Mous: he likes new vetts