Country songs, Crying and Driving

Once upon a New Years eve I vowed to myself that I would keep up with friends that have since been a dusty memory in my head. What that means when sobriety kicks in is that I miss my friends... some more than others. One in particular is Mc C ( for lack of better naming). Him and I dated briefly when I lived south of nowhere. He forever changed me and the person I am now is not who I would have been if not for him. I have never looked at men the same since he left. No have I ever been that drunk as the last night I saw him. He is why I don't drink and cry in the same night. I truly liked him. I do not know what stuck him in my head and why he has been a tattooed memory since. We have stayed in contact through the years. Finally I went to see him.

We have had many conversations about me visiting and what it would be like. In my late twenties what better time would there be. Its not like there is anything there. WRONG. NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO FLIPPING WRONG!! Before I went we talked on the phone for the first time in 4+ years. He said bring high expectations. DUMMY!! I listened. I don't know why I listened to him. I drove the two hours after a 10 hour shift with knots in my stomach. I saw him and that was that. It all came flooding back. It was like a bad dream. The heart ache, the happiness, the nervousness. It all was there. I should have turned out the door and left. No, I came in and sat down. STUPID STUPID STUPID! Think god could have sent me a sign to leave, even if it is for my hearts sake. HECK NO! Worse thing ever happened we picked up where we left off, not missing a beat. High expectations. Damn him!!!

After a case of Busch Light, yep I am a hillbilly wannabe, I call out the elephant in the room. Thank you god! If handing me a loaded gun aka my mouth wasn't bad enough lets add cheap beer and no sleep. I ask him what is going on. What was all this. Why can't we be adults and let things happen as they may? He agrees. There was a lot more convo that I wont bore you nor do I really want to relive all of it. I end up sleeping in his bed. He kept telling me how I was making his heart pound and it was, I only know this because I was rubbing his chest. That's as far as it went.

I got up in the morning and left. On the way home I only listened to country and died a little bit. I was fine though. My head wouldn't stop or start it was just there reliving certain moments of the previous night. I couldn't wrap my head around anything or even put together a full thought strand. On the way home I decided to go to the gym and run it off. Great idea. I think I was gods joke of the day. I ran and ran. I ran 10 miles that day. I think my coworkers thought I was going to die on that treadmill. After I finally figured out I should stop, since the most I usually run is five miles and that's on a great day, I got in my car and started home for real this time. I passed my turn. I kept going with my faithful ipod on shuffle on the country playlist.

About 45 min past when I should have been home they started. The tears. I drove and cried for an added 3 hours and half of tank of gas. I was lonely, lost, broken. Twice, he has made me feel this way twice. I get it in Hitch when they talk about wanting to feel that broken and because that means there is something to be broke. Once I got home I just laid in bed. If I ate sweets I would have had a date with B&J but instead I layed with my monster, alone. I never signed on my computer or ate I just died for the night.

When I finally got on the pute in the AM before work I had quite a few emails for him wanting to know where I was. He was IMing me offline too. I shut the lappy and went on my way. When I got home I saw he had called my house and then I jumped online and messaged telling him I was home and my interweb was down. He told me how worried he was and that he was going to call my work in a few hours if I hadn't replied. Well poop what do I do???

I die a bit more when I don't talk to him for a week but I still don't know where I stand. It has been three weeks and I still talk to him regularly. I just do not know. I do know Dave never makes me feel this way and I only like Mc C, I have never loved him. I think it may be I just don't like Dave. This is where I stand and when I fear I may fall if I do not figure things out soon. I think I need to be in like, maybe being in love is not all there is to life long happiness. Feedback is wanted, even if you are just strolling by.

Quote about the adventure: People say he's only in my head
It's Gonna take time but I'll forget - Garth Brooks
(its suppose to be she)