95, thats all I have is 95?

Last week we had our wellness evaluations at work. We are doing this program at work that shows our body's "true" age. I was super pumped when I was told my body is 18. That is almost 9 years younger then I am. I ROCK!

I am a competitor by nature and need someone to compete with to fulfill my highest goals. I had to pick someone who was in as good of shape as I am and is also a competitor. I picked good old MP. We have been talking and both are similar with workout habits.

He has 355pts and I only have 95!!!! I am killing everyone in my branch by more than 50 and he has 355!!! I am soo screwed!

I want a Luke

26 almost 27 yrs and I figured it out, I want a Luke.

If you do not know who Luke Danes is I highly recommend watching Gilmore Girls. Through it all I have watched and have watched over and over again. It is by far my favorite show. I understand when Lorelei says "say something". I empathize with her tears and the "The Way We Were" analogy about the relationship. I want a Luke.

I want a man who you can see the desire in their eyes. I want someone who loves you so much that they would pass up their dream house for your uttermost happiness. I want to be so blinded by love that you don't know he is there but know that I do not want them to marry anyone with absolutely no explanation behind it. Further more that they wouldn't marry just because I said no.

I want a Luke. I need a Luke. I need someone who get my quirks and knows nothing will change them. I need someone who I can't live with out and can't live without me. It will take searching but at least I know now where to start.

I know that I have started on the right track again. No more with this "but I'll hurt him" crap. I read a lot of books and I see a little in each hero what I desire for but even the height of perfections of Mr. Darcy, Zack Zematis, Edward Cullen, Jake Templeton and Davey Dempsey no shows more of what I want/ need as Luke Danes.

Luke is witty, compassionate, and caring. Also pigheaded and independent. I love the fact he will tell anyone what is wrong and how to correct it. He backs down from no one. I need to have someone who is not afraid to tell me where to shove it and to shut up, though I may not listen.

My quote of the day needs an explanation so before the lengthy quote let me explain something about me. I have been told many time I remind people of Lorelei or Rory. I only wish it was because I looked like them, but sadly I do not. I do talk like them. I reference a lot of things and talk really fast. I have done this as long as I can remember and have only been watching GG since 2003. This quote is a typical Mous move. Lorelei has called Luke after they broke up and this is the message she leaves him.

I want a Luke, period! I hope you will sick around and watch me drowned in my attempts :) I look forward to it!

Quote of the day:

Lorelai: Hey, Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and… I was just wondering if, do you remember in 'The Way We Were', how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh… Could - please come over. I - please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please. Come – Oh, my God.

Tears of the past

Maybe it was just a stress breaking moment. Maybe it was just tears of the past that needed to be shed. Maybe it was my body's way of getting out the crap feeling in my gut.

Maybe it was the calm before the storm.

Has anyone else felt like this?

It is like my life is an endless EKG with good rhythm. I feel like a freak. I want my EKG to read like cardiac arrest! One moment the shit is hitting the fan then it calms down for a moment, I spend the next few moments trying to calm down but inside I am waiting for the shoe to drop again. I think this is a result from internalizing every aspect of my life. I need to start to verbalize my thoughts. Probably a deep seeded reason I started this blog yet I am still not comfortable with specifics. AHHHH Maybe I just need to wait for a thunderstorm in the pouring rain to scream into!

Quote of the moment: Screaming is bad for the voice but good for the heart - Conor Oberst

Then they came

I didn't think I had to. I thought I was almost OK. I thought I was stronger then this. Once again I was wrong.

I vented. I lifted till I could lift no more. I got it all out. It shouldn't have happened. I have more control.

I was in the shower and then all of a sudden my face was wet, it was dripping. It wasn't bath water but tears. Then the inevitable shaking. The pep talk we give our selves to know it is just one hurdle. I want to think it was just a moment of a break down. I have a feeling I am wrong.

Quote of the day: Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you cant take anymore. - Savage Garden

Patiently waiting

I sit here on my trusty lappy waiting.

Waiting for what? Waiting for this crap feeling to go past. Waiting for things to start. Basically just waiting.

I know I haven't been myself since my adventure to see Mc C over a month ago. I know I am not heart broken I know that I will be fine but this crap feeling is getting old.

I want to smile and mean it. I want something besides work to take my mind away. Is it sad that I am about to crack open New Moon and just start reading? I feel now that Bella understands.

Quote of the day: I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn’t remember how I’d managed it before.
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 5, p.123

Write Write Write RIGHT

Write Write Write Write, Stop thing and write dammit

Bad week really bad week

Maybe if I start typing it will all come to me

Head games hard work no sleep too much booze. No crying only writing. No thinking just write dammit.

Talked with David not good. Good for me bad for him. No call, no text no nothing. Damn I am stupid. I am thinking in fragments maybe tomorrow it will look up.

7:00 Meatheads

As we just learned my hobby is lifting and working out in general. For those of you who work out you have your "time". Every person at the gym who has made it a habit has a time. You know the people lifting with you, you know the girl on the elliptical with the Cosmo, you know the old man who lifts on the lowest setting but you give him credit for his attempts. Since I work at the gym I pretty much know everyone no matter the time. The one thing I noticed throughout the years is after 7 the free weight room becomes scary boy club.

At 7 you start to hear the F bomb every other minute. It sounds like you are in a barn yard with all the grunting. The 7:00 meatheads have taken over the room. I am fortunate enough to know that they are big babies, but big none the less. No other time of the day do you hear are you hitting that 90lb dumbbell? No other time is a weight belt and wrist straps a required article of clothing. No other time am I fearful of being in the weight room. I see why women think its boys only.

I can talk the talk and play the game but I still feel like an idiot down there.

Since I am a workaholic I do not have a time, I just make time as it becomes available but I always make the time before 7. The meatheads throwing the 45 plates around scare me. I have no need to talk football with the guys squatting four of me in between sets. I have no need for one of the huge neanderthals staring at my lack of rear while doing bent over rows.

I do not grunt nor do I throw weights so I do not get to be in the 7:00 meathead club.

Quote of the day:

You've dedicated your entire life to building up your body through hard work, pain, hunger and desire. Every single day requires sacrifice. This is our world brothers... This is hardcore livin'. Welcome.