Happy 2011?

So I refused to accept new years to start till February. To make a long story short 2011 has sucked thus far. My car got totaled on New Years Eve/Day. At 2:45 AM to be exact. Yes, totaled as in over 15,000 in damage... it was parked... don't you worry I am not lucky enough to be able to sue someone for being drunk and hitting a PARKED car. Insurance is kind enough to pay me 10,000 but I had a 2008 that was paid off so unless I want a used car with a crap ton of mile on it in crappy condition I am screwed. I have sold my soul and social life for a nice Jeep that I was suppose to get a week and half ago yet I am still basically on house arrest... because some drunk left me without wheels. I wish I could say this has been the low point but 2011 has pretty much all been like that.

Excuse my ranting now.

On New Years I grew a set. I actually proposed to one of my friends who I have a minor crush on we try dating. Well, with my luck when my car got hit he was parked in front of me. His car had 7,000 of damage done to it, yep as I said they were wasted... well over 20k in damages. As mature adults do we then drank night/early dawn away. The proposition was lost, to him at least. I do not even want to give him a name at this point. Strike 2

I have been without wheels for a month now... ENOUGH SAID ON THAT

The person who I go to for stability is leaving me. I am so grown up that I am pushing her away because I am so afraid that if I go see her I will crumble. She is only moving a few states South. I have no car, no job right now so going to visit is not available for sometime. She hasn't left yet but in my stubborn mind she is as good as gone. Right now I am such a weak person I can't even bare to see her. She is the only person who knows I have heart and it breaks.

Insert rant about no wheels. 

I met a boy. His name is Jersey for this blogs purpose. He is great... he goes on deployment in 5 months for one year. He is also still on the dating site I met him off of. He treats me like gold. He is good looking and has the best laugh I have ever heard. I am pretty sure he thinks I am a typical city girl (clearly not the real me), stupid and this is because I can't seem to put a full thought together around him. I am sure he will only last another week because I am posting something about him.

I am down... can't blame me. I have looked at these walls for far too long. I am like a caged rat. I am considering gnawing off my toes at this very moment. I just need a break through. Moral of 2011 thus far never say it could be worse... it will happen I PROMISE YOU    
 

Even Lifetime gave up...

Lifetime movies are suppose to be the movies that inspire us to have happily ever after. Right now I am watching one called "Unanswered Prayers". I know the whole song by Garth Brooks and when I sat down to watch it I was hoping for what I picture when I listen to that song. I watch this horribly written and poorly acted movies to have hope. A love that conquered all. One that beat that lost High School love and proved you can love better and more. One that chronicles a life of happiness and devotions and makes the past a mere blur. I just figured out that Lifetime has given up all hope for a perfect love. 

This movie chronicles a man who is married and his High School sweetheart comes back home after close to 20 years. Instead of not knowing her anymore he lies to his wife (or as men put it "not disclosing" everything) and meets her out for drinks, pool and then goes to her house for dinner and a night of swimming in a quarry and kissed his ex. He got caught. He cheated and lied. He, of course chooses his wife and in a sentimental attempt the other women shows up and tells her that her husband loves her, as in his wife. HE CHEATED HE LIED!! Lifetime can not except love and devotion!

What I think...No shit he loves his wife. Lies are lies. That is trust that is built up after years and he just blew a hole in it. Should a marriage end because of this, no. Does this happen in real life, yes. What happened to movies where it is perfect, where the skank from the past is forgotten and the loving wife and mother prevail? We know what difficulties every day relationships have. Real relationships that new mothers require sleep. Women begin to sag after ten years. Marriages that both parents have to work a mundane job with poor pay just to support one child and a two bedroom home. Why are love stories becoming so real? What happened to Cinderella?

The sharp knife of a short life...

 There are many things in our lives that end up defining us. Usually, these are not good things. These are typically things such as heartbreak, personality flaws, hardships and relationships. These things at first glance are mere moments in our lives and turn into the defining  aspects of who we have become. They are little parts of our past that become huge parts of our future. Sometimes they even end up being hurdles or road blocks.

This weekend a friend and myself sat down and made the list. You know, the list of every "encounter" with a man. Looking at the list a couple of things came to my mind.
1. I am a commitmentphobe
2. I let two men define me
3. I don't let anyone in

I do not do commitment at all. I never feel for anyone or anything outside of my friends. I am included in this. I am never number one in my life. It is my friends and their families and that is it. Number 1 and 3 pretty much go hand and hand. I am or was on a self destructing mission and the only person going on it with me was myself and I. I always found it odd that I related to "If I die young" by The Band Perry till I took a look at that list. The sharp knife of a short life... I am well on my way to being the crazy dog lady. I have made leaps and bounds this past year. Now for those people who socialize on a normal level it is more like baby steps but for me it is huge. I have realized that skeezing my way through the phone book will not get me anywhere except to an early grave or 15 dogs.

I looked at that list and not once did I feel sick. I am not what one would call emotional but yet the opposite. I, at most have 4 emotions and that is giving or taking one. I have happy, angry, indifference and the ever elusive looove (i just made the gag me face). I am pretty sure being the strong/funny one has a lot to do with the concrete wall that is me but I know that my rape and giving up my child for adoption has tainted my outlook on dating and "encounters". No, these two are not one and the same, they were years apart. No, I am not looking for a pity party.  It is what it is. I am sure at some point in my life I will get into the details of both but not now. I have given these two men the controls over my life. I am taking them back now. This is my life. I will do as I feel fit. I will control my situations. I should will be a prize not a door mat.

QOD: The sharp knife of a short life, I've had enough time - The Band Perry

One day I will be motivated

How do they do it...

Authors.


I can blog but I think writing in a novel blah blah blah boys are stupid, is unacceptable. Plus I don't think that goes with my plot line too well. So I blog. I sit here watching inspiration aka Sex and the City listening to my writing playlist. I have nothing.

I can't even think of a quote

Job shomb

Last week I lost my job. It was hard I can not lie but I think in the end it is the best. Things are going to change and look up. I can't stay at safe in my bubble for the rest of my life. I am starting over. I have to. I am back to writing and working on my novel even started a new blog with my girlfriends. New chapter new time

He makes me stupid!

Have you ever been around someone that makes you feel stupid? Someone that you feel comfortably uncomfortable around? I am not accustomed to this feeling. I am not one who cares what someone thinks of me or their opinion of me. I know I am a smart woman who has never had someone think I am stupid or lacking in eloquence. This theory went straight to the pisser this week. There is now some man walking around thinking I am an arse. I do not even know where this blog is going but I need to start the venting on this gent. It has began which means it is shortly to fall to a bitter end *sigh*

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

Today I was sitting on my couch when I received a truly devastating blow, not just to me but to humanity as a whole. A wonderful man died last night. He was still youthful and full of life at just a mere 60 years young. His name was Scott Minor. He was a kind man, one of the kindest I ever had the privilege to know. He is the type of man that mothers, you wish your sons would grow up to be. Women he was the kind of man you hope to marry. Men, he was the type of man you should all strive to be like. Not once have I ever heard him complain or say something offensive to anyone. He was a joy to know and a highlight to my day. He was the type of person who knew your name no matter what. He was interested in your life no matter how inconsequential you were to his. He made you smile just being in his presence. He was on top of all this a wise man. He would never want someone to make the mistakes he did and would approach you in a calm and respectful way.

He will truly be missed and speaking for myself I am a better person just knowing him. My thoughts and prayers go to his friends, family and my heart hurts for his wife and children.

The blame lies where?

Is there anyone out there who takes blame for them selves? Is there anyone who stands up and says I did something wrong? Why is it we are OK with pointing out someones flaws but can never take a step back and look at our actions and see our errors? People learn from mistakes but we can never own them. This trend seems too frequent. At work we have a policy saying "see it own it". I take it in more than the piece of trash on the ground. If I screwed it up I can own up to it. It is just a part of life, failing is a part of human nature.

I am not just talking about in my personal life but I am talking in the world as a whole. Just look at the comments made this past week by Harry Reid. He has yet to own his statement or see the wrong in it. Look at Rev. Al Sharpton at any point. He will call any white person a raciest but then when the finger gets pointed at him he thinks his behavior is acceptable. He is one of the biggest racists ever allowed to speak publicly.

One of my staff members refuses to see anything he does as wrong. He is a typical person any more. He wants the blame to be on someone else. Even me when I have done nothing wrong just because I didn't have an answer when he wanted it??? I just don't get why people can not own up to their own lives???

Quote of the day: If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.
-Mary Pickford

What your not dead??

Since my life has been nothing less than a roller coaster this past year I tend to forget that my friends may be going through things as well. Not all necessarily bad things either. I have been there when they ask but otherwise I have been absent from all aspects of life minus work. Tonight I am going out with an old friend. We have been through thick and thin together. He is in a real relationship so I know he doesn't have much time. I guess I am finally snapping out of it since I am actually going out. Usually I just make something up so I can sit home in front of my computer and TV. It feels nice to be excited about going out. Nothing crazy our crazy times are on 4 wheelers and shooting guns. Usually he is the one I turn to him when I need to go on a drinking bender. I am not fearful of hearing about his awesome relationship...things are looking up!!

QOD: "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everyhwere."
---Tim McGraw

You've got mail

Most of us girls have seen this movie and I am willing to bet most of us can recite most of the lines in it. Therefore most of us understand the title of this and have the general meaning of this post before even reading on. What I have now is something that I have never had but deep down been longing for. Of course it all starts out there is this boy...

No, I didn't meet him in a chat room, I don't think they even exist anymore. I have known him for about a year now. For lack of creativity we will call him Joe (for those of you who do not get it Joe Fox is Tom Hanks character in You've got mail). Joe use to work out at the Y then got a job there. For awhile I didn't think much of him since I assumed that he was just a HUGE meathead and an arrogant jackhole. He is very good looking, like the type that everyone notices. I made nice and just like anyone else in the Y I flirt with everyone... member satisfaction. We started talk then it went a few steps further. The innocent flirting turned to blatant flirting. Then I was hit with a huge surprise... he had a girl friend and she was not very happy with me. Not that I can blame her but she threatened me and my job. I didn't talk to him again that was till recently.

I know he tried to talk to me numerous time but really he lied. I don't dig liars. Plus my job and reputation were compromised. He moved recently all the way to the west coast. I was feeling nice and included him in my email to everyone around Thanksgiving to say happy holidays. He emailed back and we have been exchanging emails since.

I knew he wasn't stupid almost a year ago but I still just assumed he was just another pretty face in the crowd. Just a typical pretty boy. I assumed he had no story, no lot in life. Like last year proves I was wrong. Our emails keep getting longer. More personal. Just more in general. It dawned on me last week that I am checking my email a million times a day hoping for one email. I've got mail. If you would have told me six months ago I would hope every day to talk to Joe I would have laughed in your face.

He does have a story. He understands that life isn't easy and there are things in life that are nothing more than lessons. Now he lives on the west coast... go figure. He wants ME, Mous to come out there for a visit and I bet if I asked he would come here for a visit too. I am not a pretty face in the crowd. I am just average and I thrive on average. I do not know what I am thinking about all of this but I know I am thinking a lot about it. He told me I write well... no one has ever pointed that out to me. Well at least no one has pointed it out so quickly. He told me I should write a book... my one true dream.

Now I wait for my little gmail icon to open telling me I have mail...


Quote of the day:
What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you.
- You've got mail

Neglect

This year has been long tough and never ending. I am glad it is done and happy to have my life moving forward once again.

WARNING!! This entry will read like a diary so please do not hold it against me.

David and I broke up months ago and though I knew it would be hard but I did not think for a minute that it would be this hard. The years I'll never get back and for the most part I am OK with that. I am still not OK with losing my best friend. There were lots of bad time and the one thing I got from it is how close I want to be with someone. I'll never get back his family or our friends. I am definitely a winner at a losing game. In the long run I am better off but I can't lie and say it hasn't been life changing and that I think about my choice daily but the one thing I know is forever would have been long and bitter.

The Y... AHHH relief!! I got another promotion. I am back to the beginning... aquatics director. It will be the death of me but I am happy with it!! :)

I started... I will finish

A problem with Liberals...

Sarah Palin's note

Share

Today at 10:30pm

Sarah Palin just put a note out about the unjust treatment of Carrie Prejean. Please read it http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1288165211#/note.php?note_id=81681133434&ref=nf

This person decided that calling her a cunt for voicing her stance was an acceptable response. I was disgusted by this and decided to act. Here is my response.

Justin Woolworth
Justin Woolworth at 10:04pm May 13
cunt

To:
Justin Woolworth
Subject:
Who do you think you are?

Have you ever met Sarah Palin? Do you know her on a personal level? She is a mother. A woman. It is her job to speak on behalf of her political party as an elected official. You are berating her for doing her job, is this correct? Under no condition is it acceptable to call a woman a cunt.

It is your right as an American to speak your mind but your left wing counter parts are trying to take that right away from you. Are you aware of this? Are you aware that you just degraded a woman because of her political stance with no other reasoning? You couldn't even make an educated statement on the controversy. The president of this country doesn't even support gay marriage. Are you out using racial epithets against him on his parties heinous blogs? Or is it OK for him to have a political stance because it is the same as yours? Way to prove what true ignorance is. You are the problem in this country. Next time you have an opinion back it up with an educated statement or keep it to your self.

The response:

Liberal Ignorant Prick:
You can only get pissed at me if you have not ever called someone you don't like a bad name, which is highly unlikely. Please shut the fuck I personally I hate the woman and this whole ordeal. I can only hope she reads that and it hurts her feelings.

Me
Today at 10:40pm
How can you hate someone you do not know? Commenting on a subject with ignorance shows nothing. The only thing you did was proving the point that liberals are ignorant and uneducated. You could have said something worth listening to, you could have made a point. Instead you take the the low road and say something completely offensive. I have NEVER insulted a person a personal level whom I have never met. You prove their points wrong you do not attack them. It shows weakness and a lack of character.

even more from him:
Justin Woolworth

Today at 10:43pm

I can easily hate you, dyke.

95, thats all I have is 95?

Last week we had our wellness evaluations at work. We are doing this program at work that shows our body's "true" age. I was super pumped when I was told my body is 18. That is almost 9 years younger then I am. I ROCK!

I am a competitor by nature and need someone to compete with to fulfill my highest goals. I had to pick someone who was in as good of shape as I am and is also a competitor. I picked good old MP. We have been talking and both are similar with workout habits.

He has 355pts and I only have 95!!!! I am killing everyone in my branch by more than 50 and he has 355!!! I am soo screwed!

I want a Luke

26 almost 27 yrs and I figured it out, I want a Luke.

If you do not know who Luke Danes is I highly recommend watching Gilmore Girls. Through it all I have watched and have watched over and over again. It is by far my favorite show. I understand when Lorelei says "say something". I empathize with her tears and the "The Way We Were" analogy about the relationship. I want a Luke.

I want a man who you can see the desire in their eyes. I want someone who loves you so much that they would pass up their dream house for your uttermost happiness. I want to be so blinded by love that you don't know he is there but know that I do not want them to marry anyone with absolutely no explanation behind it. Further more that they wouldn't marry just because I said no.

I want a Luke. I need a Luke. I need someone who get my quirks and knows nothing will change them. I need someone who I can't live with out and can't live without me. It will take searching but at least I know now where to start.

I know that I have started on the right track again. No more with this "but I'll hurt him" crap. I read a lot of books and I see a little in each hero what I desire for but even the height of perfections of Mr. Darcy, Zack Zematis, Edward Cullen, Jake Templeton and Davey Dempsey no shows more of what I want/ need as Luke Danes.

Luke is witty, compassionate, and caring. Also pigheaded and independent. I love the fact he will tell anyone what is wrong and how to correct it. He backs down from no one. I need to have someone who is not afraid to tell me where to shove it and to shut up, though I may not listen.

My quote of the day needs an explanation so before the lengthy quote let me explain something about me. I have been told many time I remind people of Lorelei or Rory. I only wish it was because I looked like them, but sadly I do not. I do talk like them. I reference a lot of things and talk really fast. I have done this as long as I can remember and have only been watching GG since 2003. This quote is a typical Mous move. Lorelei has called Luke after they broke up and this is the message she leaves him.

I want a Luke, period! I hope you will sick around and watch me drowned in my attempts :) I look forward to it!

Quote of the day:

Lorelai: Hey, Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and… I was just wondering if, do you remember in 'The Way We Were', how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh… Could - please come over. I - please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please. Come – Oh, my God.

Tears of the past

Maybe it was just a stress breaking moment. Maybe it was just tears of the past that needed to be shed. Maybe it was my body's way of getting out the crap feeling in my gut.

Maybe it was the calm before the storm.

Has anyone else felt like this?

It is like my life is an endless EKG with good rhythm. I feel like a freak. I want my EKG to read like cardiac arrest! One moment the shit is hitting the fan then it calms down for a moment, I spend the next few moments trying to calm down but inside I am waiting for the shoe to drop again. I think this is a result from internalizing every aspect of my life. I need to start to verbalize my thoughts. Probably a deep seeded reason I started this blog yet I am still not comfortable with specifics. AHHHH Maybe I just need to wait for a thunderstorm in the pouring rain to scream into!

Quote of the moment: Screaming is bad for the voice but good for the heart - Conor Oberst

Then they came

I didn't think I had to. I thought I was almost OK. I thought I was stronger then this. Once again I was wrong.

I vented. I lifted till I could lift no more. I got it all out. It shouldn't have happened. I have more control.

I was in the shower and then all of a sudden my face was wet, it was dripping. It wasn't bath water but tears. Then the inevitable shaking. The pep talk we give our selves to know it is just one hurdle. I want to think it was just a moment of a break down. I have a feeling I am wrong.

Quote of the day: Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you cant take anymore. - Savage Garden

Patiently waiting

I sit here on my trusty lappy waiting.

Waiting for what? Waiting for this crap feeling to go past. Waiting for things to start. Basically just waiting.

I know I haven't been myself since my adventure to see Mc C over a month ago. I know I am not heart broken I know that I will be fine but this crap feeling is getting old.

I want to smile and mean it. I want something besides work to take my mind away. Is it sad that I am about to crack open New Moon and just start reading? I feel now that Bella understands.

Quote of the day: I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn’t remember how I’d managed it before.
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 5, p.123

Write Write Write RIGHT

Write Write Write Write, Stop thing and write dammit

Bad week really bad week

Maybe if I start typing it will all come to me

Head games hard work no sleep too much booze. No crying only writing. No thinking just write dammit.

Talked with David not good. Good for me bad for him. No call, no text no nothing. Damn I am stupid. I am thinking in fragments maybe tomorrow it will look up.

7:00 Meatheads

As we just learned my hobby is lifting and working out in general. For those of you who work out you have your "time". Every person at the gym who has made it a habit has a time. You know the people lifting with you, you know the girl on the elliptical with the Cosmo, you know the old man who lifts on the lowest setting but you give him credit for his attempts. Since I work at the gym I pretty much know everyone no matter the time. The one thing I noticed throughout the years is after 7 the free weight room becomes scary boy club.

At 7 you start to hear the F bomb every other minute. It sounds like you are in a barn yard with all the grunting. The 7:00 meatheads have taken over the room. I am fortunate enough to know that they are big babies, but big none the less. No other time of the day do you hear are you hitting that 90lb dumbbell? No other time is a weight belt and wrist straps a required article of clothing. No other time am I fearful of being in the weight room. I see why women think its boys only.

I can talk the talk and play the game but I still feel like an idiot down there.

Since I am a workaholic I do not have a time, I just make time as it becomes available but I always make the time before 7. The meatheads throwing the 45 plates around scare me. I have no need to talk football with the guys squatting four of me in between sets. I have no need for one of the huge neanderthals staring at my lack of rear while doing bent over rows.

I do not grunt nor do I throw weights so I do not get to be in the 7:00 meathead club.

Quote of the day:

You've dedicated your entire life to building up your body through hard work, pain, hunger and desire. Every single day requires sacrifice. This is our world brothers... This is hardcore livin'. Welcome.

Clinging beings

As a female and a cynical one at that I have observed many women and the one thing I have noticed with all of us (this goes for us who are not "one of them" or "not like other girls" too). We are clingers.

No I am not talking about the chicks who hang and drool all over men. I am talking about our innate ability to hang on to the words of others. We find our selves living up to what we have been told. Pathetic isn't it. We find the underlining meaning behind words, whether it be our bosses, friends or lovers, and we hold on to it.

Think about it girls, we have all done it repeatedly. Even if we had the wrong meaning behind it all along, we can't drop it. The older I get I realize that we don't hold grudges we hold truths. Truths that may have never been but truths to us none the less. I think all of us has that one relationship we are holding onto that in all reality we never had. We have had conversations with our bosses that we leave the meeting confused because three months ago they told us the opposite of the instructions we have just been given and of course we won't bring that conversation because then we are freaks that can't forget. Then there is that dreaded person we can not even see the sight of because they them selves drove the proverbial knife in our back. Chances are this dreaded person was a hypocrite in a conversation or situation that we are clinging too. We females are clingers!!

No quote today just a question: What are you clinging to that you can not let go? What statement won't leave your dome?