The sharp knife of a short life...

 There are many things in our lives that end up defining us. Usually, these are not good things. These are typically things such as heartbreak, personality flaws, hardships and relationships. These things at first glance are mere moments in our lives and turn into the defining  aspects of who we have become. They are little parts of our past that become huge parts of our future. Sometimes they even end up being hurdles or road blocks.

This weekend a friend and myself sat down and made the list. You know, the list of every "encounter" with a man. Looking at the list a couple of things came to my mind.
1. I am a commitmentphobe
2. I let two men define me
3. I don't let anyone in

I do not do commitment at all. I never feel for anyone or anything outside of my friends. I am included in this. I am never number one in my life. It is my friends and their families and that is it. Number 1 and 3 pretty much go hand and hand. I am or was on a self destructing mission and the only person going on it with me was myself and I. I always found it odd that I related to "If I die young" by The Band Perry till I took a look at that list. The sharp knife of a short life... I am well on my way to being the crazy dog lady. I have made leaps and bounds this past year. Now for those people who socialize on a normal level it is more like baby steps but for me it is huge. I have realized that skeezing my way through the phone book will not get me anywhere except to an early grave or 15 dogs.

I looked at that list and not once did I feel sick. I am not what one would call emotional but yet the opposite. I, at most have 4 emotions and that is giving or taking one. I have happy, angry, indifference and the ever elusive looove (i just made the gag me face). I am pretty sure being the strong/funny one has a lot to do with the concrete wall that is me but I know that my rape and giving up my child for adoption has tainted my outlook on dating and "encounters". No, these two are not one and the same, they were years apart. No, I am not looking for a pity party.  It is what it is. I am sure at some point in my life I will get into the details of both but not now. I have given these two men the controls over my life. I am taking them back now. This is my life. I will do as I feel fit. I will control my situations. I should will be a prize not a door mat.

QOD: The sharp knife of a short life, I've had enough time - The Band Perry