Happy 2011?

So I refused to accept new years to start till February. To make a long story short 2011 has sucked thus far. My car got totaled on New Years Eve/Day. At 2:45 AM to be exact. Yes, totaled as in over 15,000 in damage... it was parked... don't you worry I am not lucky enough to be able to sue someone for being drunk and hitting a PARKED car. Insurance is kind enough to pay me 10,000 but I had a 2008 that was paid off so unless I want a used car with a crap ton of mile on it in crappy condition I am screwed. I have sold my soul and social life for a nice Jeep that I was suppose to get a week and half ago yet I am still basically on house arrest... because some drunk left me without wheels. I wish I could say this has been the low point but 2011 has pretty much all been like that.

Excuse my ranting now.

On New Years I grew a set. I actually proposed to one of my friends who I have a minor crush on we try dating. Well, with my luck when my car got hit he was parked in front of me. His car had 7,000 of damage done to it, yep as I said they were wasted... well over 20k in damages. As mature adults do we then drank night/early dawn away. The proposition was lost, to him at least. I do not even want to give him a name at this point. Strike 2

I have been without wheels for a month now... ENOUGH SAID ON THAT

The person who I go to for stability is leaving me. I am so grown up that I am pushing her away because I am so afraid that if I go see her I will crumble. She is only moving a few states South. I have no car, no job right now so going to visit is not available for sometime. She hasn't left yet but in my stubborn mind she is as good as gone. Right now I am such a weak person I can't even bare to see her. She is the only person who knows I have heart and it breaks.

Insert rant about no wheels. 

I met a boy. His name is Jersey for this blogs purpose. He is great... he goes on deployment in 5 months for one year. He is also still on the dating site I met him off of. He treats me like gold. He is good looking and has the best laugh I have ever heard. I am pretty sure he thinks I am a typical city girl (clearly not the real me), stupid and this is because I can't seem to put a full thought together around him. I am sure he will only last another week because I am posting something about him.

I am down... can't blame me. I have looked at these walls for far too long. I am like a caged rat. I am considering gnawing off my toes at this very moment. I just need a break through. Moral of 2011 thus far never say it could be worse... it will happen I PROMISE YOU    
 

Even Lifetime gave up...

Lifetime movies are suppose to be the movies that inspire us to have happily ever after. Right now I am watching one called "Unanswered Prayers". I know the whole song by Garth Brooks and when I sat down to watch it I was hoping for what I picture when I listen to that song. I watch this horribly written and poorly acted movies to have hope. A love that conquered all. One that beat that lost High School love and proved you can love better and more. One that chronicles a life of happiness and devotions and makes the past a mere blur. I just figured out that Lifetime has given up all hope for a perfect love. 

This movie chronicles a man who is married and his High School sweetheart comes back home after close to 20 years. Instead of not knowing her anymore he lies to his wife (or as men put it "not disclosing" everything) and meets her out for drinks, pool and then goes to her house for dinner and a night of swimming in a quarry and kissed his ex. He got caught. He cheated and lied. He, of course chooses his wife and in a sentimental attempt the other women shows up and tells her that her husband loves her, as in his wife. HE CHEATED HE LIED!! Lifetime can not except love and devotion!

What I think...No shit he loves his wife. Lies are lies. That is trust that is built up after years and he just blew a hole in it. Should a marriage end because of this, no. Does this happen in real life, yes. What happened to movies where it is perfect, where the skank from the past is forgotten and the loving wife and mother prevail? We know what difficulties every day relationships have. Real relationships that new mothers require sleep. Women begin to sag after ten years. Marriages that both parents have to work a mundane job with poor pay just to support one child and a two bedroom home. Why are love stories becoming so real? What happened to Cinderella?

The sharp knife of a short life...

 There are many things in our lives that end up defining us. Usually, these are not good things. These are typically things such as heartbreak, personality flaws, hardships and relationships. These things at first glance are mere moments in our lives and turn into the defining  aspects of who we have become. They are little parts of our past that become huge parts of our future. Sometimes they even end up being hurdles or road blocks.

This weekend a friend and myself sat down and made the list. You know, the list of every "encounter" with a man. Looking at the list a couple of things came to my mind.
1. I am a commitmentphobe
2. I let two men define me
3. I don't let anyone in

I do not do commitment at all. I never feel for anyone or anything outside of my friends. I am included in this. I am never number one in my life. It is my friends and their families and that is it. Number 1 and 3 pretty much go hand and hand. I am or was on a self destructing mission and the only person going on it with me was myself and I. I always found it odd that I related to "If I die young" by The Band Perry till I took a look at that list. The sharp knife of a short life... I am well on my way to being the crazy dog lady. I have made leaps and bounds this past year. Now for those people who socialize on a normal level it is more like baby steps but for me it is huge. I have realized that skeezing my way through the phone book will not get me anywhere except to an early grave or 15 dogs.

I looked at that list and not once did I feel sick. I am not what one would call emotional but yet the opposite. I, at most have 4 emotions and that is giving or taking one. I have happy, angry, indifference and the ever elusive looove (i just made the gag me face). I am pretty sure being the strong/funny one has a lot to do with the concrete wall that is me but I know that my rape and giving up my child for adoption has tainted my outlook on dating and "encounters". No, these two are not one and the same, they were years apart. No, I am not looking for a pity party.  It is what it is. I am sure at some point in my life I will get into the details of both but not now. I have given these two men the controls over my life. I am taking them back now. This is my life. I will do as I feel fit. I will control my situations. I should will be a prize not a door mat.

QOD: The sharp knife of a short life, I've had enough time - The Band Perry

One day I will be motivated

How do they do it...

Authors.


I can blog but I think writing in a novel blah blah blah boys are stupid, is unacceptable. Plus I don't think that goes with my plot line too well. So I blog. I sit here watching inspiration aka Sex and the City listening to my writing playlist. I have nothing.

I can't even think of a quote

Job shomb

Last week I lost my job. It was hard I can not lie but I think in the end it is the best. Things are going to change and look up. I can't stay at safe in my bubble for the rest of my life. I am starting over. I have to. I am back to writing and working on my novel even started a new blog with my girlfriends. New chapter new time

He makes me stupid!

Have you ever been around someone that makes you feel stupid? Someone that you feel comfortably uncomfortable around? I am not accustomed to this feeling. I am not one who cares what someone thinks of me or their opinion of me. I know I am a smart woman who has never had someone think I am stupid or lacking in eloquence. This theory went straight to the pisser this week. There is now some man walking around thinking I am an arse. I do not even know where this blog is going but I need to start the venting on this gent. It has began which means it is shortly to fall to a bitter end *sigh*

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

Today I was sitting on my couch when I received a truly devastating blow, not just to me but to humanity as a whole. A wonderful man died last night. He was still youthful and full of life at just a mere 60 years young. His name was Scott Minor. He was a kind man, one of the kindest I ever had the privilege to know. He is the type of man that mothers, you wish your sons would grow up to be. Women he was the kind of man you hope to marry. Men, he was the type of man you should all strive to be like. Not once have I ever heard him complain or say something offensive to anyone. He was a joy to know and a highlight to my day. He was the type of person who knew your name no matter what. He was interested in your life no matter how inconsequential you were to his. He made you smile just being in his presence. He was on top of all this a wise man. He would never want someone to make the mistakes he did and would approach you in a calm and respectful way.

He will truly be missed and speaking for myself I am a better person just knowing him. My thoughts and prayers go to his friends, family and my heart hurts for his wife and children.